For all of you who were asking about my birth story:
On the 21st of June at 9:30 a.m. (4 weeks before my due date) I was showering before work when I felt my bag of waters break. And, no, it wasn't like in the movies. It didn't gush out all over the floor. It was more like a leak. I actually wasn't sure if my water broke or I just peed myself...lol.
I called the hospital and was told to come in right away. I had found out the week prior that the baby was in the frank breech position, meaning his butt was down instead of his head. Because the baby was in the breech position my doctor wanted us to get to the hospital as soon as possible before my labor progressed any further.
Sure enough when we got to the hospital we learned that the baby was still in the breech position. The doctors also informed us that I hardly had any fluid left around the baby. They believe that my bag of waters had been leaking for longer than I had realized. I was 1-2 cm dilated and having mild contractions.
The doctors were concerned for the baby. The lack of fluid could put baby at a higher risk of infection. Ben and I were given a few options.
We could have the doctors try to flip the baby for us and then try to have the baby naturally. The procedure is called External Version. The doctors were really hesitant about doing the version though because of the low amount of fluid. We were informed that the version could be stressful for the baby and could even cause the placenta to prematurely separate from the uterine wall. If that were to happen or the baby were to get too stressed out I would have to have an emergency c-section. I would have to be completely unconscious and Ben could not be in the operating room.
Our other option was to have a routine c-section. I could be conscious and Ben could be present during the procedure.
It was such a hard decision to make. I wanted to be selfish and go for the version. I had all these plans about having the baby the all natural way. But Ben and I realized that sometimes God has different plans for us.
We decided to have the routine c-section because we were concerned with the well-being of the baby. And we hated the idea of an emergency c-section where I wouldn't be conscious and Ben couldn't be present.
The c-section went great. Ben was by my side. When the doctors lifted the baby up over the operating curtain (at 3:45 p.m.) I began to cry. It was a Boy! And he was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. His little feet were up by his ears from months of being in the frank breech position. That made me laugh.
Ben followed the baby over to where the nurses where performing all the newborn procedures. The baby started to cry and it was music to my ears. He weighed in at 6pounds 9 ounces and measured 18.6 inches long.
After the nurse wrapped the baby up and handed him to Ben, Ben brought him to me. It was so wonderful to kiss his face and hold his little hand.
Unfortunately shortly after our meeting our baby boy, who we named Coleman Patrick began to have trouble breathing. He was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where he was diagnosed with congenital pneumonia.
Because Coleman had to be hooked up to all sorts of monitors I wasn't allowed to hold him for 26 hours after his birth and I couldn't start nursing him until 48 hours after his birth! It was the longest thing I'd ever endured. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Coleman was finally released from the NICU after 9 long days. I spent every day there with him. We're all home now and doing great.
I get sad when I think about my birth experience. I had been planning a natural childbirth from the time I found out I was pregnant. I had dreams of holding and nursing my big plump baby immediately after giving birth. My actual experience was the exact opposite. I feel like I missed out on something truly special.
I wonder if I made the right choice. Should I have risked the version?
Ben keeps telling me that I can't look back, I should just look forward. He reminds me that Coleman is here with us now and he's healthy. Regardless of how he was born I'm still his mother and he needs me. Despite everything we've went through we still bonded and I love my sweet baby boy!
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4 comments:
honey,you did the right thing,you have a happy,healthy baby boy.my son was born with a lot of problems and had to spend alot of time in the hosptal,he still has a lot of problems,but he's also shown me a life i wouldnt have known otherwise.we can plan all we want,but god has his own plan.i love you all and am so happy 4 your little family.
Caitlin,
It sounds as if you are not certain that you made the "right choice". "What if I had...", we all fall into that pit. I know it can be difficult to move forward without looking back over our shoulder. And, facing those concerns is good for the soul.
As you are able, let go of regret ... consciously affirm to yourself that you made the best choice possible in that moment. We can only live one moment at a time. Give grace to the one you were in that situation on that day - loving your baby Patrick into the world. I think extending grace to ourselves can be very hard at times. Granted not all c-sections are truly "necessary". Yet, you were facing a 4-week premature birth with a frank breech presentation. You made good choices for yourself and your child.
You will have the next pregnancy to go after your dream of vaginal birth. You are an amazing woman, who takes the time to educate herself. You desire the most loving, sacred and health-filled experience for yourself and for those around you, (your husband - the child in your womb.)When the time comes you will be ready to give your full attention to the process once again - knowing that you are fully capable of giving birth as millions of women before you have done!
In times past you and your baby would have truly faced together the possibility of emminate death. Women all over the world die daily because they have no emergency care. I cannot imagine their hopelessness. An OB's skill in saving lives is genuine when the need is there. (We need to honor one another's gifts and talents.)
When you have time, lie down and go back to that place of choice in your mind. Be in the room as a loving observer and speak words of encouragement and love over yourself, your husband and your little boy. We have the ability to heal emotions and actually re-program our brains.
As you extend deep grace over yourself in that moment and through the rest of the delivery - you will begin that process. Tell yourself things that resonate support with you like, "Caitlin, you are the most amazing woman. Look how well you are doing in this situation." "You are making wise choices for yourself and for your little one." "You are surrounded by love and with love are birthing your child in the best way best possible way."
You did a brilliant job giving birth to Patrick! And, God will use that experience to equip you for what lies ahead.
May you find healing and hope through the process of being a mother to one just too precious for words!
warmly,
Jody
Ditto to what my daughter said about my precious Grandson, Jason!
I can't imagine how life would be without him! He's taught us so much.
The comments Jody wrote gave me chill bumps!! I've read it over and over. What an insight and truth.
Caitlin, Motherhood is full of doubts/ what ifs/ I should have/wished I.....
God knew what He was doing and you listened!!
Thank you for all of your words of encouragement. I really needed them! Love you guys.
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